There’s a long running stereotype out there that women are crazy. While I’m not going to go into the falsehoods and sexism of that, I will admit that moms are crazy. You don’t really even understand how crazy until you become one, and then you look up one day and wonder why you aren’t in a straitjacket talking to a lamp. When you become a mother you should get an infinite prescription of Prozac, Vicodin, and an anti-psychotic and here’s why.
1. We think back fondly on labor.
I’m not saying this isn’t the best day of a new mothers life, but birth is an extremely painful and traumatic event. My own daughter was born naturally (see, CRAZY!) and I look back on it very fondly. When I say this my husband snorts and reminds me of “the dead eyes”, which were apparently the eyes I was looking at him with during my 7.5 hour labor. He describes them as “the look an animal gives you after you’ve hit it with a car and it’s lying on the side of the road wanting to die”. Sounds like fun right? I don’t remember any of that. And if we have another baby I’m planning on giving birth naturally again. You can hand me my straitjacket now.
2. We’re reverse-hypochondriacs.
When my daughter got her first shots, she cried a lot that day. Understandably because her thighs hurt, she got jabbed with a needle three times. I, however, was convinced that she had gotten one of the crazy rare side effects and her bowels were backed up and about to explode. I made my husband take us to the ER, and about halfway there Baby D was smiling in her car seat, completely fine, and my husband convinced me that we should just go out to Mexican food instead. I took my daughter’s rectal temperature (fun for everyone!) regularly when she was a newborn because I feared (dun dun duuuun) THE FEVER. I would also sneak super close to her while she was sleeping and check to make sure she hadn’t spontaneously stopped breathing. These things might sound crazy to a non-mom, but for us it’s completely normal. Because we’re insane.
3. We’re obsessed with poop.
Color, consistency, frequency of, etc. And we’re happy to discuss it at length with complete strangers.
4. We have an unnatural fear of the baby monitor.
It’s not because we watched Insidious, it’s much much worse. It’s because our baby might wake up.
5. We have pathological guilt.
Raising kids is really hard. The little monsters don’t come with instructions and each one is its own bag of cats. That being said, sometimes moms make mistakes raising their kids. These are rarely life-defining. It’s more like…my kid found a tampon applicator in the trash and put it in her mouth. Or….I looked away for ONE SECOND while my kid was in the bath and she stuck her head underwater. I was even holding her up! HOW DID SHE DO THAT?! And, my kid cries a lot, I’m a bad mom. My kid doesn’t sleep enough, I’m a bad mom. My kid hates what I feed her, I’m a bad mom. My kid looked at me funny today, I’m a bad mom. The list goes on. Forever.